What am I going to do without you?
Six months ago, almost to the day of the week, I made one of the hardest decisions of my whole life. It really wasn’t much of a choice. You fought so long and so hard you just didn’t have any fight left in you, and I had to let you go.
I wish I could tell you it was all up from there but, if you can see Mama from where you are now, you already know it wasn’t.
It’s been a tough six months. We spent Christmas through New Years with Covid, from which Daddy never quite was the same. Although things started to look up with his new, well-earned job, like the pawns in Dragon’s Dogma always warned me, a moment’s distraction could have cost me my life.
It happened so fast. I didn’t have time for my life to flash before my eyes. I saw you in a dream that night. Like the night you died, you hopped on the bed, except… I didn’t wake up at the realization it couldn’t be you. You came to me and I could feel your fur under my hand, as soft as it was before you got really sick. Your eyes were bright but I could tell you were coming to check in on me, like you did when I was sick or sad. And then you were gone, and it made me wonder: just how hard did I pierce the veil? Enough I could see you on the other side?
As much as I miss you, I’m not ready to join you yet. Or Pappaw, even though I miss him too. You know, not a month back from my accident was the 20th anniversary of his fatal car crash. It’s one of the biggest reasons I always wear my seatbelt. It was the seatbelt and airbags that saved me from serious injury…or becoming a part of the tree I crashed into.
Not everything is terrible. I survived the car crash…although the car didn’t. We’re doing okay, we love our jobs and are hopeful for the future still. We sure do miss you and not a day goes by I don’t feel your absence, although anymore I try to flip it to positive memories and stories. But, still… Six months later and I still don’t know. What am I gonna do without you, bud?